The Well-Mannered Wedding Guest

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© Copyright 2004 The Improper Bostonian

The Improper Bostoninan - February 02, 2004

By Erin Hagedorn

Etiquette gurus and brides lay down the rules for attending a wedding without adding undue stress for the bride and groom.

Can you wear white to a wedding? Do you really have a whole year to send a gift? Etiquette experts and brides help ensure you don't become a pain in the bustle.

Illustration by Scott Magoon

Even if you've no immediate plans to tie the knot yourself, you'll probably be attending a wedding sometime soon. Other than a flat-screen TV or a big pile of money, one of the best gifts you can give the betrothed couple doesn't come with a price tag. It's the gift of good manners and not adding to the happy pair's already sky-high stress level by acting foolishly, imposing or making some kind of unreasonable request.

Some behavior rules for wedding guests are pretty obvious, and if you have a handle on the standard social graces, you'll easily avoid decorum disaster: Don't discuss bachelor party shenanigans in front of the bride. You may not body-check other single women in order to catch the bouquet. No matter how good they look, do not taste-test the wedding cake icing or leer at the bride. Don't wear anything that would embarrass Pamela Anderson.

Other rules for guest behavior, however, are a little less apparent, especially it you've never been married yourself and haven't dealt with the scads of "innocent" requests (Can you seat me next to the hottie groomsman? Can I bring along a friend?) or worried about registries or reception costs per person.

Here, on behalf of stressed out brides and grooms everywhere, and with the goal of turning you into the guest that would do Miss Manners proud, we address all those nagging wedding etiquette questions you never quite discovered the answers to. We enlisted the help of local etiquette gurus Samantha von Sperling of Polished Social Image Consultants; Jodi R. R. Smith, founder of Manner-smith Etiquette Consulting; Kim Sternick, director of catering for Legal Sea Foods at the Exchange Conference Center; and a quartet of recent brides: Jessica, Rebecca, Anne and Tara.

Is it OK to ask a good friend if you can be in his/her wedding party?

Samantha: As much as you may want to be involved, it's not fair to pressure the bride this way. Don't take it personally if you're not asked. A wedding is one day. A friendship is for life.

Jodi: No! Choosing one's wedding attendants is a difficult enough task without a friend adding stress by insisting they be included. Even if you asked the bride to be your maid of honor for your wedding, she's not obligated to ask you in return.

Jessica: No. That would be totally presumptuous and highly inappropriate. If asked, be gracious. If not asked, be similarly gracious.

Illustration by Scott Magoon Should you always buy a gift from the couple's registry?

Samantha: If the couple has a registry, obviously they have selected items that they like and/or may need. However, if you live in another country where the store is not accessible or you wish to give something else that you think would be unique or that only you could give them, go ahead. It's the thought that counts.

Jodi: No. A registry is a wish list created by the bride and groom. It's there for those who wish to use it as a guide. Some of the best, most creative gifts are the ones that are not from the registry.

Jessica: Yes, unless you know the couple well enough to identify a unique gift that you're confident will delight them. And always include a gift receipt.

Anne: If I had to go back and do it all over again, I would make sure to register for more items. I mean, I like silver platters and all, just not 80 of them.

Tara: A friend from school received a crystal vase that wasn't on her registry. She and her spouse sent the vase back to the couple who gave it to them with a note that said a gift off their registry would be more appreciated. [The two couples] haven't spoken since.

What's the appropriate attire for the church ceremony? Are bare shoulders still taboo?

Kim: Technically yes. You should be appropriately attired for a wedding. Bare shoulders do not make you a sinner as long as the rest of your coverage is appropriate.

Samantha: It is poor etiquette to hare your shoulders in a house of worship. Generally it's better to bring at least a wrap, shawl or pashmina to cover your shoulders.

Jodi: Some religious sites are very modern and may not require the same level of modesty. If you're not sure, it's better to be covered than not.

Can you ask the bride for permission to bring a guest if your invitation is made out only to you?

Samantha: No. Here is an exception: You know the bride extremely well, she is not on a shoestring budget, you yourself just got engaged (or your aged aunt is flying in from Timbuktu) and it is an emergency. Only then can you ask, but you do not expect.

Jodi: It depends. If you are not dating anyone, then you cannot ask to add additional guests and expense to an already expensive event. If you've been seriously dating someone and there's the possibility that the bride was unaware of your relationship, then you can call to let her know you have someone in your life.

Rebecca: Absolutely not. Someone did this to me and my fiancé. We made the mistake of leaving a blank space on our reply cards where people could fill in the number of people coming. We had to e-mail them and explain that they couldn't. It was very awkward for both sides.

Kim: No! Wedding guest lists are compiled for many reasons. Perhaps it's financial or there are space limitations. And never bring [an uninvited] guest that you haven't RSVPed for.

Is it appropriate to wear white or black to a wedding?

Samantha: An all-white outfit is seen as stealing attention away from the bride. Remember, it's her day. Off-white, on the other hand, is OK. An all-black outfit for a winter wedding or a wedding in a cold climate is acceptable; a black summer dress is also OK.

Jodi: Black was banned from weddings in days of old because it was worn by those in mourning, and mourners would not attend a wedding. In some cultures it was seen as a Kid omen or as a way of showing your disapproval of the pair. Nowadays, black is considered elegant and sophisticated. White, on the other hand, is seen as being petty and trying to steal the spotlight from the bride.

Is it better to bring your wedding gift to the wedding or mail it?

Samantha: The bride should be delighted that you were thoughtful enough to give a gift, period. However, note that the happy couple may be catching a plane after dinner or have some such other arrangement. Weddings can be chaos. It may be easier for the bride to receive a gift beforehand by mail.

Jodi: Wedding gifts should be sent to the bride in advance of the wedding. Gifts brought to a wedding run the risk of being last, broken or stolen.

Jessica: Mail it after the wedding. Hauling gifts from the reception back home is a drag, and receiving gifts after the wedding is always fun. I actually really enjoyed those under-the-wire gifts received 364 days after the wedding.

Illustration by Scott Magoon How long do you have after the wedding to send your gift?

Samantha: Typically, wedding gifts should be received by the couple before their wedding day, but if you do send your gift after the wedding day, send it as soon as possible.

Jodi: I'd like to dispel this myth. Guests do not have a year to send a gift, and bridal couples do not have a year to write their thank you notes. Wedding gifts should be sent a week or two prior to the wedding, and thank you notes should be completed within six weeks of the marriage. Wedding gifts sent before the wedding may be acknowledged upon receipt.

Jessica: Exactly 565 days.

How much should you spend on a wedding gift?

Samantha: It's appropriate to spend between $50 and $1,000 for a wedding gift depending on your budget and relationship to the bride and groom.

Jodi: How much do you make? Where do you live? What's your relationship to the couple? An investment banker who is the groom's brother and best man might spend $500. A recent college grad or the bride's roommate might spend $75. An elderly great aunt might spend $25. In Boston, typically, a married couple attending a wedding will give a gift in the $100 to $200 range.

Rebecca: If it's a formal wedding, $100 or more, especially if you're part of a couple.

If you don't go to the wedding, should you still send a gift?

Samantha: If you choose not to attend a wedding you were invited to and then don't send a gift, you are sending the message that you are choosing to terminate your relationship with this person. In other words, this is construed to be a rude and aggressive gesture.

Jodi: While wedding invitations do not require the obligation of a gift, if someone was kind enough to extend an invitation to one of their life's most precious events, you should be kind enough to reciprocate with at least a token of your esteem.

Jessica: I think it's good karma to send something to let the couple know they're in your thoughts.

Tara: If the couple came to your wedding and gave you a gift, you definitely have to send a gift. If you don't really know the couple then you don't have to.

Kim: A card thanking them for the invitation as well as offering congratulations is a must. A gift is not, although it is nice and 1 certainly would send one.

If you get invited with a guest but are single, can you bring a friend of the same sex?

Samantha: If you do not have a serious girlfriend or boyfriend to bring, you should RSVP and thank (the couple) for the kind invitation but say that only you will be attending. To not do this would be selfish.

Jodi: If there are going to be eligible men at the event (sans dates), I'd go alone. Weddings are great places for meeting new romantic partners. As a female, if everyone is bringing a date, I'd pick a male friend to attend with me.

Jessica: Sure bring anyone, if the invitation is addressed to you and guest.

Tara: I don't think it's appropriate. Weddings can cost as much as $200 a person. Don't make your friends pay so that you can have someone to gossip with.

Is it OK to get blitzed at the wedding?

Samantha: It is absolutely not OK to get obnoxiously, fall-down drunk at a wedding. A little tipsy is acceptable. And if you are an aggressive, belligerent drunk, don't even think about it. A side note: At one wedding, the bridesmaids jumped onto the table and lifted up their skirts to dance the can-can. Unless you are in Las Vegas and the bride and groom are being married by Elvis accompanied by showgirls, this is not appropriate behavior.

Jodi: No. In fact, I cannot think of a social event where it's acceptable to "get blitzed." Weddings are not keggers.

Kim: No! Although it makes for great stories, those aren't the kind of memories the bride and groom want to have.

Rebecca: Absolutely.

Lisa: Sure, just don't cause a scene.

FEBRUARY 4 - 17, 2004 THE IMPROPER BOSTONIAN p.23

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